3am again.

here i am again, 

3:12 am and alone...

nothing but my thoughts. 

every time i make a step forward i get pulled back 1,000

i wish our emotions had a switch, 

because id kill for an emergency shut-off. 

beating myself up. 

hating myself over and over.

thinking of everything i could have done different to change this outcome...

 puffy eyes, runny nose, ugly cry & i cant turn off the sad songs.

(had to throw a little eye candy in for my ladies)

why do i continue to do this to myself?

 its like i'm asking for the punishment. 

why do i continue to do this to myself?

 its like i'm asking for the punishment. 

i sit and replay every minute in my head. 

i feel like im drowning. 

you left. 

so why isn't this easier. 

why isn't this getting better??

i'm here to clean up this mess && you're no where to be found. 

i guess that's why its so easy for you to tell me you don't love me and move on so easy. you don't have all the reminders. every time i think i'm doing better i get smacked with same huge reminder of how much you mean to me and i'm right back at square one...
blaming myself and hating myself for everything.

you think telling me that you don't love me anymore makes this easier? telling me how unhappy you were? if that was the case why did i have to be the one to leave? why did it take me begging you to go to counseling to fix us? remember that was my lame excuse for trying to "justify" what happened. but it wasn't & maybe now you're gonna realize that. 
so yes...
im not "getting on" or "moving on" yet because i'm still processing how we got here, when clearly you knew we were living here. 

i have this lump in my throat when i think about being without you. 

i had my whole life mapped out with you. everything.

right down to every detail, and without you all of that is gone. im starting over. fresh from the start....

without you.

i know its gonna take time, but i'm gonna be better. 

i'm gonna get over you. 

i may not ever open myself up to someone the way i did for you...

BUT...

 i am gonna move on. & you're gonna be miss me. 

i PROMISE.

so for now keep on with all the ignorant hurtful things that you think are gonna...

 "make it easier for me to move on." 

nothing is easy about divorce, or life, or love or anything for that matter. 

but its life, and its the only one we get....

so i'm trying. 

goodnight moon♥

♥xo, sami