one day i'm perfectly fine with blue skies and puffy white beautiful clouds;
then the sky turns grey and thunder starts to crack...
& before i know it tears are welling in my eyes & i have absolutely no idea where the wet streams down my cheeks are coming from, or why i'm even crying.
i feel like since i have restarted blogging it has turned into my own little pity party.
i don't want to feel like this or be this way anymore.
it hurts.
everything does really.
its like this aching i can't escape.
i tell myself every morning when i wake up that this is it,
no more being sad, no more crying, no more feeling sorry.
pull yourself together, get out of bed and face this world.
but it's so hard.
it seems like everything i have had or have is or has fell apart.
how do you keep going when everything goes or is going wrong.
how do you come back from that, how after 9385729875 times of picking yourself up do you continue to do it and not be discouraged. how do you keep going when it feels like the universe is against you?
i feel like no matter what i do i can't escape this immense sadness.
it continues to consume me. going back i had assumed it was Sean.
missing him, missing my marriage, all the memories. but its not.
i finally see that it's me. it's like i'm setting myself up for this sadness.
i'm not allowing myself to be happy. i'm constantly looking for the worst, waiting for everything to come crashing down on me.
i guess somethings are meant to be hard, right??
all i know is im hanging by a thread and not sure i can take much more.
every time i make a step forward i get pulled back 1,000
i wish our emotions had a switch,
because id kill for an emergency shut-off.
beating myself up.
hating myself over and over.
thinking of everything i could have done different to change this outcome...
puffy eyes, runny nose, ugly cry & i cant turn off the sad songs.
(had to throw a little eye candy in for my ladies)
why do i continue to do this to myself?
its like i'm asking for the punishment.
why do i continue to do this to myself?
its like i'm asking for the punishment.
i sit and replay every minute in my head.
i feel like im drowning.
you left.
so why isn't this easier.
why isn't this getting better??
i'm here to clean up this mess && you're no where to be found.
i guess that's why its so easy for you to tell me you don't love me and move on so easy. you don't have all the reminders. every time i think i'm doing better i get smacked with same huge reminder of how much you mean to me and i'm right back at square one... blaming myself and hating myself for everything.
you think telling me that you don't love me anymore makes this easier? telling me how unhappy you were? if that was the case why did i have to be the one to leave? why did it take me begging you to go to counseling to fix us? remember that was my lame excuse for trying to "justify" what happened. but it wasn't & maybe now you're gonna realize that. so yes... im not "getting on" or "moving on" yet because i'm still processing how we got here, when clearly you knew we were living here.
i have this lump in my throat when i think about being without you.
i had my whole life mapped out with you. everything.
right down to every detail, and without you all of that is gone. im starting over. fresh from the start....
without you.
i know its gonna take time, but i'm gonna be better.
i'm gonna get over you.
i may not ever open myself up to someone the way i did for you...
BUT...
i am gonna move on. & you're gonna be miss me.
i PROMISE.
so for now keep on with all the ignorant hurtful things that you think are gonna...
"make it easier for me to move on."
nothing is easy about divorce, or life, or love or anything for that matter.
before we start i wanna give a quick intro as to who i am and where i'm at in life. i'm not here to impress anyone with my amazing (non-existant) writting skills. i wont be capping, i wont be making everything perfect. i need this for me. i'm not doing this to make you feel sorry or to get pity. i need a place to pour my heart out with no judgement and just let it all out.
I'm Samantha!
Sami for short if you already don't know that. at 25 i never expected my life to be where it is now. but that's life right? throw us a curve-ball when we think that things couldn't possibly get any worse then they already were. you know whats next, because we have all been there, jinxed ourselves into thinking that things couldn't possibly get any worse and then....
BAM!
...donkey punch to the gut.
meet my husband Sean;
So after almost 5 years with a man who i thought i was gonna spend the rest of my life with and multiple miscarriages and infertility nightmares i am separated and facing a ugly divorce. ugly divorce?....i never understood what people meant by saying that. i mean what could possibly be good about it? you wake up one morning and realize that things aren't what they seemed. maybe something is missing, for me it always went back to my miscarriages. how do you move on from something so horrible that keeps happening over and over again. so i always went right back to that first one. the first day he was at work and the way that he came rushing home and just laid on the couch with me and held me. god he was amazing. from day one i always told everyone he was to good to be true. he loved me like no one had ever loved me. when he looked at me, it was like i was the only one in the room even if we were in the middle of the mall on Christmas Eve, his eyes never left me. he knew exactly what to say and exactly when he needed to say it. he made my day better just by walking in the door. i was so hesitant to move in with him. i mean how much can you really no someone after 2 months? i didn't care, here is this amazing man that wants no one but me and for once in my life i didn't question anything. so imagine how amazing it felt when he told me loved me under the stars at my parents picnic table not even a month after meeting me and he had no reservations at all. after trying to fight it because i swore i wouldn't date anyone(that worked out great, huh?) we finally got together and i remember like it was yesterday the little things...jumping on facebook to tell the world that i was in a relationship and for once in my life i felt content and didn't second guess it. to this day i don't second guess my marriage and no matter what the future holds i will NEVER regret my marriage....
so back to my point...ugly divorce. i say ugly, because when you end it like we did, how can anything good come from it at all.
how do you remain friends?
how is this person who i thought i knew inside, out & woke up to every morning the same stranger that is standing in front of me now?
how in 24 hours can you go from someone being your world to never telling them you love them again and saying your not sure if you do? those words tore me apart, not that they weren't deserved but in my opinion i don't think its that easy to stop loving someone. i'm not gonna go into details here, but Sean & I both had parts in our separation (mine being the straw that broke the camels back.) yes, i am the one that confided in someone else and trusted someone else with our personal business because i felt like you weren't there, and when you were, it was like you weren't interested and i didn't wanna be a pest...my point in all of this is
WAKE UP!
i took Sean for granted. i took him & his love & all the sacrifices he made for me for granted. i took every minute we were together for granted. i let life come between us, and im sorry. im so sorry. i wish there were a million words i could pour out to make you realize how sincere i am. i wish i would have taken every kiss hello/goodbye like it was my last. i wish i would have lingered on your chest a little longer every morning before we got up just to kiss you a little longer....
....but no we got up every morning and let life and all its horrible baggage take over everyday. i wish you would have came home from work every night & i would have been up waiting, even if it was 1:30 and we were both exhausted.... i only hope that i have given you what you gave me, because to know that you have been loved the way you loved me is something that can not be replicated, and will never end.
....that's how it was with you. and still is. the thought of someone else loving you kills me. as selfish and self centered as that is...thinking of your hands on any other woman tears me apart, and my whole world comes crashing down all over again.
sometimes my heart feels so empty i feel like its gonna explode. the pain is so unbearable at times....
i wonder sometimes if there is even a way to get over someone you love that much. how do you make your heart stop loving someone when you feel like its what you were made for. they say a broken heart hurts but i had no idea how bad it was. it's not your heart, its your whole body. it consumes you. from the minute i wake up till the minute i go to bed i spend every second trying to figure out what i could have done different. what would have made you stay, or what would have made you come back?
everyday since the day i dropped you off in Shepherdstown and watched you walk away without even looking back i have cried myself to sleep wishing, hoping, praying you would come back...& that we could go back to the way our lives were. just you & i and the hell with what the rest of the world wants. its about us...& OUR family.
im not gonna sit here and say that i'm moving on or that i'm ok. because that would be a lie, and we see that that gets you no where. so i'm laying it out. i loved you and still love you with every piece of my broken heart. but i'm done waiting. i'm done sitting around revolving my world around when you come back, because lets face it, it may never happen, and what a fool id look like! i still wake up in tears sometimes from dreams that seem so real i can taste your kiss...
BUT...
im getting better.
i can finally listen to the radio and not cry with every song because EVERYTHING reminds me of you... i can finally ride past your work without wondering if you're there....or drink a beer without worrying about which bar you're at for the night. it doesn't mean that i don't love you or i'm giving up. it means that i love myself to much to let this ruin me or make me anything less then who i am. its gonna hurt like hell, for a long time, especially if you never come back.
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