so here we are again.

my moods come and go like thunderstorms in March. 

one day i'm perfectly fine with blue skies and puffy white beautiful clouds;

then the sky turns grey and thunder starts to crack...

& before i know it tears are welling in my eyes & i have absolutely no idea where the wet streams down my cheeks are coming from, or why i'm even crying. 

i feel like since i have restarted blogging it has turned into my own little pity party. 

i don't want to feel like this or be this way anymore. 

it hurts. 

everything does really. 

its like this aching i can't escape.

i tell myself every morning when i wake up that this is it, 

no more being sad, no more crying, no more feeling sorry.

pull yourself together, get out of bed and face this world. 

but it's so hard. 

it seems like everything i have had or have is or has fell apart. 

how do you keep going when everything goes or is going wrong. 

how do you come back from that, how after 9385729875 times of picking yourself up do you continue to do it and not be discouraged. how do you keep going when it feels like the universe is against you?

i feel like no matter what i do i can't escape this immense sadness.

it continues to consume me. going back i had assumed it was Sean. 

missing him, missing my marriage, all the memories. but its not.

i finally see that it's me. it's like i'm setting myself up for this sadness. 

i'm not allowing myself to be happy. i'm constantly looking for the worst, waiting for everything to come crashing down on me. 

i guess somethings are meant to be hard, right??

all i know is im hanging by a thread and not sure i can take much more.